Jokes To Make You Laugh

Did u hear about those two mexicans that went to college? Neither did I

 

If the ocean was whiskey, and the sand was cocaine, I'd be in Mexico feeling no pain

 

I'm starting a Mariachi band with four of my Mexican friends. We'll call ourselves "Juan Direction."

 

Mexicans be like you're the only Juan for me

 

Mexican and Black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you heard Juan you've heard Jamal.

 

"I hate tacos" said no Juan ever

 

there was a taco and some nachos. the nacho was sad so the taco said "wanna taco about it" and the nachos said "nacho business"

 

The Mexican goverment has the best social welfare system in the world. No forms to fill out, open to everyone, cost nothing to run. Is called the US border.

 

I was about to smoke weed with a Mexican girl. Until I asked her if she had papers, she immediately ran off.

 

 This Mexican dude was taking a pee on the side of a building and this Texan sees him. After the Mexican is done the texan bloke asks him, "How come you Mexicans don't wash your hands after you pee?" The Mexican smiles, "Senior, we Mexicans don't piss in our hands..."

 

A big tough Mexican man married a good-looking Mexican lady and after the wedding, laid down the following rules: "Honey, I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules! Any comments?" His lovely new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there'll be sex here at eight o'clock every night - whether you're here or not."

 

You Know You Are a Mexican When...

 

You share the same social security number with all your amigos

 

You smell like BO all the time

 

You have at least thirty cousins

 

You can't imagine anyone not liking spicy food

 

There is at least one member in your family named Maria, Guadalupe, Juan, Jose, or Jesus

 

You run and hide when you see the border patrol

 

You see a fence and want to hop over it

 

You have crooked teeth

 

You are too short to go on rides in disney land

 

You have a salsa stain on your shirt from a while ago that won't come off

 

You fart more than you breath

 

Your biggest problem is deciding between tacos or burritos

 

At your service job everyone talks to you as if you don't speak english

 

 You have beans and rice with every meal

 

Instead of saving for your daughters wedding you save money for her quinceñiera.

 

You don't want Mitt Romney to win because all your cousins will get deported.

 

Your'e mowing your own grass, then a car stops to ask you how much you charge

 

When a song in Spanish is on the radio, and your friends ask you what they are saying

 

Your house smells like burning tortillas

 

Everyone sings "Felíz Cumpleaños" instead of the Happy Birthday song on your birthday

 

Gringos ask you how you roll your R's

 

You have tons of cousins to beat the hell out of somebody when you need them too

 

Your parents think your lazy because you take Spanish in high school.

 

Your parents will beat you with anything they can find. Brooms, shoes, wires, pans, guitars.

 

Your mouth gets all watery when you smell something spicy

 

Your phone's autocorrect keeps messing up your Spanish texts to your parents.

 

You watch Border Wars just to re-live those days again.

 

You hold tequila in one hand, a cross in the other, praying to La Virgen De Guadalupe.

 

You are in a 5-passenger car with 8 people in it

 

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse.

 

All your white friends think your cousins are in drug cartels in Mexico.

 

 Once there was a man that came from Mexico to America, He couldnt speak English so he went to choir and learned how to say "Me me me me me me." Then he went to the store and saw a little girl say "He stole my dolly" And on his way home he went to get meat from the butcher and learned how to say "Big butcher knife big butcher knife." Then he went home and watched an air freshener commercial and learned how to say "Plug it in Plug it in." Then he went to the store and there was a murder the police said "Who killed this man?" The foreigner said "Me me me me me me me." The police said "Why did you kill him?" And the man said "He stole my dolly." The police man said "What did you kill him with?" The man said "Big butcher knife big butcher knife." Then they took him to jail and sentenced him to death. The police man said "any last words?" And the foreigner said "Plug it in plug it in."

 

 I was bartending in Vegas and this drunk mexican asks me for a shot of tequila and a beer. He was hurting so bad with a hangover..he then asks me for another. I said "You got money? He told me no, but he is hurting so bad that he will do anything for another round.... I looked at him and told him..if you could use these three colors in a sentence, I'll buy you a round...Green Pink and Yellow. The drunk mexican looks at me, thinks for a second, and tells me.."I got it senor, I got it...The telephone goes green, green, I pink it up, and I said Yellow?" I bought him a round.... 

 

 

An Arab, Frenchman, American and a Mexican are riding down the highway. The Arab picks up an AK-47. He shoots a couple of rounds and then throws the gun out the window. The American asks him why he through the gun out the window and the Arab says they have so many of those where he is from he doesn't care about what happens to them.

The Frenchman picks up a bottle of wine and drinks a little and throws it out the window. The American asks him why he tossed it. The Frenchman says they have so much of it where he is from he doesn't care what happens to it.

The American picks up the Mexican and throws him out the window.

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Two Americans and a Mexican are exploring in Africa and they stumble upon a tribe. The chief of the tribe tells the explorers that they are going to get fruit shoved up their butts and if they laugh they are going to get killed. Luckly, the Chief tells them they get to pick their own fruit. The two whittes pick berries and the Chief shoves it up their butts. They both laugh their heads off. In heaven God asks them why they laughed. And the Americans reply, "The Mexican picked a watermelon."

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A little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is baking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over his face. He says, "Mom, look - I'm a white boy!" His mom slaps him in the face and says, "Go show your father." He goes to his dad in the living room and says, "Look Dad, I'm a white boy." His dad slaps him hard in the face and says, "Go show your grandmother." The boy goes into his grandmother's room and say, "Mira, Abuelita, I'm a white boy." His grandmother slaps him in the face and sends him back to his mother. His mother says, "See, did you learn anything from that?" To which the boy replies, "Sure did! I have only been white for five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans!" 

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Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch. "What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American. He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

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An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says " We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive" The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers "God Save The Queen" and jumps. The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers "Viva La France" and he also jumps. This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers "Remember the Alamo" and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.