Jokes To Make You Laugh

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A single Chinese man owns a Chinese restaurant, and one day a beautiful Chinese woman walks in. He immediately walks over and asks her out on a date. She agrees. They go out for a while, and soon, the man proposes to her. She says "Yes, but before we do, there`s something you must know. I have never had the sex, but I`ve read about it." He says that it`s not a problem, and they are married. On their honeymoon, the man tells his wife that since she`s a virgin, she can choose what they do first. She says "Oh, most honorable husband. I am honored to be your wife, even though I have never had the sex, but I`ve read about it. So, I have chosen to have the 69. The husband looks confused, and after thinking about it, he says "You want.. the beef and broccoli?" 

 

A woman is just about to give birth in the hospital when she says to the doctor, "Doc, do me a favor. Tell me what color the baby is as it`s being born." The doctor is understandably a little puzzled at this. "Why don`t you know what color the child is going to be?" "Well", says the woman, "The problem is that I`m a porno actress and the child was conceived during the making of a film. I have no idea who the father is." "OK", says the doctor, "I`ll do it for you but it is most unusual." The baby begins to be born and the doctor says, "Here comes the head, it seems to have yellow skin and the eyes are slanted. Was one of the actors Chinese?" "Yes, doctor he was.", says the woman. "Wait", says the doctor," The chest and arms are out and they seem to be very dark. Was one of the actors black?" "Yes, doctor he was." "Wait, now the legs are out and they`re brown. Was one of the actors Asian?" "Yes, 
doctor he was." So the doctor pulls the baby free and gives it the traditional slap on the back. The baby lets out a healthy "Waaaahh" and starts crying. "Oh, thank God for that!", says the woman, "For a moment there, I expected it to bark!" 
 

 

A woman sends her clothing out to the Chinese laundry. When it comes back there are still stains in her panties. So the next week she encloses a note to the Chinese man that says, "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" This goes on for several weeks, the woman sending the same note to the laundry. "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!" Finally fed up the 
Chinese man responded with his own note that said, "USE MORE PAPER ON REAR END!!!" 




A Chinese couple had a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, black baby boy. "Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents. "What will you name the baby?" The puzzled father looks at his new child and says "I think we will name him "Sum Ting Wong."




A flat-chest woman was delighted when her fairy-god mother said her chest would increase in size each time a man  says, "Pardon" to her. She walked down the sidewalk, accidentally bumped into a man and he said, "Pardon me." Her chest instantly grew an inch and she was ecstatic. The next day, she bumped into a man in the grocery store, he begged her pardon and another inch was added to her chest. She was in seventh heaven! She walked into a Chinese restaurant,colided with a waiter who bowed and said, "A thousand pardons for my clumsy behavior." The next day, the headline in the local newspaper says, "Chinese Waiter Crushed to Death!" 



Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu, and Fu, want to illegally live in America. The brothers decide to change their names to seem American. Bu changes his name to Buck. Chu changes his name to Chuck. And Fu got sent back to China.

 

CHINESE PREGNANCY TEST: Put an unsolved Rubik's cube into her vagina. If it comes out solved, she is pregnant.

 

If you spin a Chinese man around would he become disoriented?

 

My parents are so Chinese they Honor-killed my sister for getting an A- on a math test!

 

If Japanese Pop is Jpop then what is Chinese rap? CRAP?

 

Apparently animals make different sounds according to different Languages. For example, in China a Dog makes a Sizzling noise.

 

Scientist say the average size of the male penis has gone down to 5 inches. This just shows how big the Chinese population is getting.

 

I wonder if the Chinese put their smileys like this ¦)

 

Chinese worker: "Me not come to work, me sick."

    Boss: "When I'm sick I have sex with my wife, try it."

Chinese calls back: "It worked. Me better. You got nice house!"

 

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and it's obvious by the silence that they don't get along. After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, "I don't like Chinese." The First Officer replies, " Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?" The Captain says, "You bombed Pearl Harbor. That's why I don't like Chinese." The F.O. says, "Nooooo, noooo... Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese." And the Captain answers, "Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese... it doesn't matter, they're all alike." Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the F.O. says, "No like Jew." The Captain replies, "Why not? Why don't you like Jews?" F.O. says, "Jews sink Titanic." The Captain tries to correct him, "No, no. The Jews didn't sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg." The F.O. replies," Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah. All same."

 

There lived in the State of Qi a man who had a very bad memory. While walking, he would forget to stop; while sleeping, he would forget to rise. His wife was very much worried about this and said to him one day: "I've heard that Master Ai is a very learned man with a glib tongue. He can even bring the dying back to life. Why don't you go and consult him?" "Good idea!" the man agreed. So he set out on horseback, bow and arrow in hand. Before he had covered a distance of 30 li he felt a call of nature. He dismounted and, after sticking the arrow into the ground and tying the horse to a tree, crouched down to relieve himself. This done, he stood up and looking to the left caught sight of the arrow. "Wow!" he cried. " What a narrow escape! I wonder where that stray arrow came from. It nearly hit me." Then, looking to the right, he saw the horse. "Well, well!" he said with joy. " Though I've been badly frightened, I'm now rewarded with this windfall of a horse." Seizing the bridle of the horse, he was about to turn round when he inadvertently stepped on his own excrement. Stamping his foot, he cried: " Damn! This pile of dog's dung has soiled my shoe. What a pity!" Whipping his horse, he galloped off in the wrong direction. Not long afterwards, he arrived home. Pacing up and down in front of his own house, he muttered to himself: "Whose house is this? Can this be the residence of Master Ai?" At this moment, his wife saw him. Guessing that his memory must have taken leave of him again, she let loose a torrent of abuse. Very much upset, the man complained: "I've never seen you before in my life. Why hurl insults at me like that, lady?"

 

 A man goes to his doctor and complains that his penis is developing a bend in the middle. So the doctor ran a series of tests, and had the man return to his office to report the results. "Have you been in the Far East recently, within the last year or so?" "Why, yes," replied the man. "And did you have sex while over there?" The man looked worried. "Well, yes, once or twice." The doctor's face got a grave expression on it. "That's what I was afraid of. You have a new disease that's just starting to spread in this country. It's called 'Hong Kong Dong.'" The man gulped. "What do you do for it? Is there a cure?" "Well, sort of. You see, there is no way to cure the disease, but you must have an operation." "An operation? What kind of operation?" "We cut off your penis." "Wow! Do you mind if I get a second opinion?" The doctor replied, "Of course not. In something of such a serious nature as this, I think you should get a second and a third opinion!" The man consulted a urologist who told him essentially the same story, diagnosis, prognosis, and recommended treatment. He was understandably upset, so he asked the second doctor to recommend another doctor for his third opinion. The urologist suggested that, since this disease originated in the Far East that he travel there, as the Asian doctors might know more about it. Mr. Unlucky promptly booked passage on an airline for Hong Kong, where he received an immediate consultation with that Crown Colony's most eminent physician. After a series of tests, he awaited the verdict. The doctor entered the examining room. "Well, is it Hong Kong Dong?" he inquired, unable to wait. "Yes." "And is it really incurable?" "Yes, there is no known cure." The man's face crumpled as he fought back tears. "And am I going to have an operation? Will they have to cut off my penis?" At that the man was astonished to see the doctor break into laughter. "What's so funny, Doc? You mean I don't have to have surgery?" As the doctor regained control of himself, he managed to choke out, "Oh, those American doctors! Cut, clamp, sew! Surgery, surgery, all they can think of is surgery!" "I don't have to have my penis cut off?" The man was overjoyed. "Of course not! Just wait a couple more weeks, and it'll fall off by itself!"

 

      The government of China announced today, that they would be removing all telephones from their country. After 6 months of hard lobbying, the organization for Independent Speech has convinced Chinese politicians to take this action. They argued that there are too many Wings and Wongs and that many people are becoming annoyed when others Wing the Wong number. School Lunch Two Chinese exchange students arrive at the university cafeteria for lunch and ask what was available for lunch and were told there were pizza, hamburgers, hot dogs and fries. They each order a hot dog and sit down at a table to eat. After one unwraps the tin foil off his hot dog he looks at the hot dog and asks the other "So what part of the dog did you get?" Currency Exchange "A Chinese man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2100 yuan and walked out with $300. The following week, he walked in with another 2100 yuan, and was handed $276. He asked the teller why he got less money that week than the previous week. The teller said, "Fluctuations." The Chinese man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, turned around and shouted, "Fluc you Amelicans, too!"

 

       An American businessman goes to China on a business trip, but he hates Chinese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck; there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza. Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the heck did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."

 

An American man was sitting in his favorite restaurant when a Chinese bloke said to him, "I am sick of seeing your big round eyes." The American replied, "Put on a blind fold." The Chinese man asked, "Where do I get one? The American then said, "Here take my shoe lace."

 

 A drunken Jew goes across the bar and breaks the chinaman's nose. The chinaman asks "What was that for?" The jew responds "That was for Pearl Harbor!" "Pearl Harbor," responds the Chinaman "that wasn't Chinese that was Japanese!" The jew retorts "Chinese, Japanese, Korean, your all the same to me." Later the Chinaman busts the Jew in the mouth. The Jew asks why,the response is "for the Titanic" Jew replies "Titanic, that was an iceberg" Chinaman retorts "Iceberg, greenberg 'goldberg......"

 

 There was three guys walking down a hill a black guy, a Mexican guy, and a Chinese guy. Then they got kidnapped by a crazy gay guy. He said, "If all three of your dicks add up to 12 inches your lives will be spared." The black guy pulls down his pants and he measured 6 inches, the mexican measured 4 inches and the the asian measured 2 inches. Their lives got spared. Walking down that same hill the black guy said, "You are lucky im black" The mexican said, "You are lucky im Mexican" Then the Chinaman said, "You are soooo lucky I had a boner".

 

So I texted my friend the other day, and I asked her "What's up?" And she says "I'm going to watch poor innocent hamsters be grilled and fried, then decapitated, and served in inconspicuous boxes to the unsuspecting public." And I said "Oh, so you got a job at a Chinese food place. Nice."